JIMMY TARBUCK & STUART HALL are in the news. But fuck that because we have non wrongcock news for your delictation.

So we have a new website then. I wouldn’t know about that type of thing I only use X-Hamster and Bebo. Same meat different gravy. Very different gravy.

Now if you’re like me (and you’re fucking not) then a shot of pure news delivered directly to whats left of your fucking nervous system is what you’re all clamming for. Well I hear you and I’ll tell you now you might be a bit disappointed. Or not, depends how dull your life is.

“SHIT, GET THE CREAM WE’VE GONE VIRUS!” …..is what we want to do apparently. So what we have cunningly done is preempted our actual video launch with a series of cutting skills based tutorials. Fiendish! Here is numero 1 to get you all viral mental.

Brief Synopsis: Thatcher and dog shite filmed by a scruffy fucker who used to be on Soccer AM. He isn’t anymore. He can’t get on TV for love nor money. It’s pathetic really.

Pretty grown up right? RIGHT!

Right then. News Fart 2 now.

Because we are evil we’ve decided to step inside the holiest of holy to see if we burst into a furious ball of flames and plunge into hell to burn for eternity. With only our sins and the Yewtree massive to keep us company. In the unlikely event that we all survive this trial by religion we will be playing a very special show in Sunderland Minster.

Disaffected youth: “Whats that Dave? You’re overcharging the kids again for pop shows?”

Me: “BULLSHIT, you’ll get enough change for a pint and a cowie out of a tenner”.

DY: “Yeah, yeah, but what if I want a drink shit for brains? Its in a shitting church”

ME: “You best chill out sunshine. We are bringing a bar. Mines a pint”.

DY: “Which charity is it for?”

ME: “Oh just fuck off!”.

And that’s how it happened.  But we will be in a church and it will be as special as we can make it. I’ve used internet magic to ‘attach’ ‘deets’ (ask your nephew (not you Tarbuck!))


Well, go on. Fuck off.

Actually don’t. I have been working on this 1 thing. Its my great new catchphrase. When I shout “AM I RIGHT?”, you reply “YOU’RE NOT WRONG!”. This way we all feel involved and don’t have to deal with the acute depression that lives in the very black core of every single one us as we get closer to our inevitable death.

Love ya, Bye.

David Harper